It's crazy, we're treating the wrong people.

Why negative beliefs control our lives – and how we can change them

Photo: Brooke Balentine

A book title by the author Manfred Lütz, whose book fell into my hands this morning. What I can confirm is that most of my clients aren't actually ill. They are frighteningly normal, and their crises are profoundly human. And they touch me because I, too, have experienced them.

Not every life crisis is a mental illness. Sometimes it's self-doubt, traumatic experiences, and deeply ingrained beliefs that make life difficult. It's simply that faith in oneself has been lost somewhere along the way or wasn't sufficiently strengthened by loving parents.

That's often sad and moves me. But I think childhoods aren't meant to be just happy. It's an expectation that often drives many young mothers and fathers to despair in the early years, and which leads them and their unsuspecting children to pointless, expensive courses ("My child can't grasp things," "My child said NO first, instead of Mom").

What are belief systems and how do they develop?

Often, deeply ingrained beliefs make our current lives a living hell. A belief is the linguistic expression of something someone believes in and considers true. Beliefs are expressions of internal models that each person continuously develops to orient themselves in the world. Other terms for this are convictions, attitudes, and opinions.

Simply put: Belief systems are internal statements about ourselves, other people, and the world. We often consider them facts, even though they merely reflect our personal perspective.

Many of our beliefs originate in childhood and are shaped by our parents and other important caregivers. As children, we are often unable to critically examine these beliefs and adopt them throughout our lives.

These can be positive statements like "Life is beautiful" (from your mother) or "You are loved" (from your grandmother). But unfortunately, they can also be negative ones like "You're only good if you achieve something" or "You'll never amount to anything." The latter can make life a living hell. It becomes especially burdensome when we continue to consider such negative beliefs as irrefutable truths even as adults.

My own negative belief: "You can't do that"

My most difficult belief was: "You can't do this." And even today, when something new and unknown comes my way, the mental movie starts again: "You won't manage this, you can't do this." Even if the tasks are simple and I already know that I can do them.

It took me a long time to rephrase this sentence. In systemic counseling and therapy, we also call this "reframing." Reframing is about giving an experience or thought a different, more helpful framework of meaning. Give the old crap a new, positive frame.

Today, my phrase is no longer "I can't do that," but rather, "I'll give it a try." That sounds unspectacular. But for me, that's precisely the change: I don't have to be sure beforehand that I can do something. I can simply try.

When beliefs determine our actions

Even in politics, although I'm not a particularly political person, I observe how convictions can influence actions. "Strike before you get struck," "I have to control everything, otherwise I'll lose," or "Women are inferior and have no say"—such ideas can be reflected in political rules and laws.

They can be an expression of societal beliefs and notions of power, with disastrous consequences for the people who are controlled by them. Even outside of politics, such beliefs can influence relationships, decisions, and our behavior towards other people.

Changing negative beliefs: What can I do myself?

So what do I do with this now? One thing you should know: you didn't consciously choose many of your early beliefs. Don't be ashamed of that. But you can start by observing these beliefs as they arise. Mindfulness helps with this.

First, acknowledge: "Ah, there it is again, that sentence inside me: I will never manage this." By bringing the sentence from unconscious thinking – we also call it autopilot – into consciousness, it can be processed.

A helpful first step is not to immediately accept the thought as truth. Instead of saying, "I'll never be able to do that," you could say, for example, "I'm noticing the thought that I'll never be able to do that." This creates a little distance between you and your thought. You don't have to automatically follow it.

You can decide now: Do I act according to this belief, which will likely send me straight into avoidance? Or do I try something new and venture into a new experience? That takes courage. For every one of us. And it doesn't have to work every time. One in four times is already a lot.

Because change doesn't mean never having self-doubt again. Change sometimes begins with taking a small step despite those doubts. Perhaps the most important sentence isn't "I can do this," but simply: "I'll try."

Systemic counseling for self-doubt and limiting beliefs

If negative beliefs are impacting your daily life, your relationships, or your decisions, systemic counseling can help you question these beliefs and develop new courses of action.

If you would like to learn more about me, my working methods and my professional background, please visit my "About me" page .